Bozo Brando Takes On The World Cup!

It’s finally here! That special time when Americans gather around their television to pretend to care about soccer for about a week or so. The magical event that brings the country together as one. Political differences are forgotten, grudges are forgiven, broken relationships are mended – an inspiring and moving tribute to the power of patriotism. Chants will bellow across the country in unison – I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN! I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN! Bars will be filled with red, white, and blue. Flags draped over the backs of Americans young and old. All leading up to that classic World Cup moment when the US Men’s National Team is eliminated by Algeria or some other country we couldn’t point to on a map.

But this year is different. We won’t get to experience that anti-climactic moment of disappointment because America couldn’t even beat Trinidad and Tobago to qualify for the World Cup. The casual sports fan now needs a team to root for to have any interest in the World Cup – and Bozo Brando is here to officially announce which team the Bozos will be supporting and to give you all the facts you need to sound like you have any idea what you’re talking about.

Group A: Russia, Uruguay, Egypt, Saudi Arabia
Prediction: Uruguay and Russia advance

The 2018 World Cup is taking place in Mother Russia and, as is tradition, the host team automatically qualifies. While we don’t expect much from them on the field, we know the power of the home-field advantage and Russian fans will be loudly supporting their squad at the stadium and from the Oval Office. The player to watch from this group is Mohammed Salah from Egypt. Salah had a career year for Liverpool and is surely going to be a fan favorite. If Salah can have a historically excellent performance, Egypt has a chance to advance, but Russia and Uruguay should prove to be too much to overcome.

Group B: Portugal, Spain, Morocco, Iran
Prediction: Spain and Portugal advance

This group is headlined by the biggest sports star in the world – Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo. He’ll lead a Portugal team against a formidable opponent and potential champion in Spain. Spain has as much, if not more, talent than any team in the world, but they’re dealing with some off the field issues – firing their coach just days before the start of the World Cup. Bozo Brando doesn’t think the loss of a guy in a suit who paces up and down the sideline while making three substitutions in 90 minutes is going to make much of a difference. Spain leads this group onto the Round of 16, with Portugal following suit.

Group C: France, Australia, Peru, Denmark
Prediction: France and Denmark advance

The Aussie squad is personal favorite of mine because you just know this is a group of guys who stumbled their way to the World Cup. I think their pre-game ritual consists of chugging about 3 or 4 Fosters before heading on to the pitch to get absolutely torched by a team with legitimate talent. You have to admire their spirit though. This group is actually one of the more competitive ones, with Denmark and Peru in a dead heat for 2^nd place. France is far and away the team to beat in this group, and possibly in the entire tournament. If Peru can pull off a draw against France they’ll have a good shot at advancing, but I think Denmark proves to be too solid to catch up to. France and Denmark move on to the Round of 16, but the Aussie’s have already ordered 16 rounds at the local Russian pub – so who’s the real winner here?

Group D: Argentina, Iceland, Croatia, Nigeria
Prediction: Argentina and Croatia advance

Lionel Messi, aka the Flea, aka the guy with a terrible nickname, continues his quest to win one for Argentina. One of the all-time greats who had an extraordinary 2014 World Cup campaign just simply isn’t surrounded with enough talent to be a threat to the heavyweights. That being said, they should breeze through this group with a consistently underrated Croatian squad keeping pace with them. Croatia could very easily take the top spot in this Group if Argentina slips against a Nigerian team that may be one of the surprises of the tournament. Barring any sort of historic error or injury, Argentina and Croatia should easily advance – the only question being who finishes on top.

Group E: Brazil, Switzerland, Costa Rica, Serbia
Prediction: Brazil and Switzerland advance

Brazil went on an absolute tear while qualifying for this tournament. After a change at head coach, Brazil went unbeaten in qualifying matches and has firmly cemented themselves in the conversation for the top spot in the tourney. Anything less than a championship would be a disappointment for this team. Hopefully the horrors of their 1-7 destruction at the hands of Germany in 2014 are long gone and this team will advance unscathed through the Group Stage. Costa Rica surprised the world by advancing to the quarterfinals in 2014, but this group pairing is too much for them to overcome. The Swiss team is consistently good enough to advance to the Round of 16, but that seems to be their peak. Brazil and Switzerland advance – which is good news for the cameramen who will be tirelessly scanning through thousands of drunk Russians trying to find the female Brazilian fans. A Brazilian woman getting a modeling contract after being spotted at the World Cup is almost part of the event itself.

Group F: Germany, Mexico, Sweden, South Korea
Prediction: Germany and Mexico advance

This group has a tough battle for 2^nd place between Mexico and Sweden. South Korea will have some off the field concerns after doing Saki-bombs with the Australian team in celebration of not fearing imminent nuclear war. Germany is far and away the favorite in the group and will have no trouble taking the top spot. Sweden is a sleeper team that could surprise, but Mexico has been a disappointment for far too long and they look to finally bring their team back to prominence. Germany and Mexico advance, with Germany looking much further than just the Round of 16.

Group G: Belgium, Panama, Tunisia, England
Prediction: Belgium and England advance

Belgium is a team to watch. Dark horse. Sleeper. Cinderella. They’re undeniably talented and can keep up with the best of the best. This team drew a cakewalk in the group stage, with their only semblance of competition being a weak England team. The Tunisian soccer team is going to need name tags just to be allowed into the stadium, and Panama already has reason to celebrate. This is Panama’s first World Cup ever and the day they qualified is now officially recognized as a national holiday. England will advance due to the lack of competition in this group, but Belgium will lead the way and easily.

Group H: Poland, Senegal, Columbia, Japan
Prediction: Columbia and Poland advance

This group is essentially the red headed stepchild of the World Cup. Columbia will have the edge considering they’re Columbia and they’re playing Poland, Senegal, and Japan. This is like LeBron beating everyone in the East, just to get swept by whichever team he plays next that is actually good at the sport. Poland, and all four of their fans, will be happy to see that they’ll also sneak into the Round of 16, only to be quickly and efficiently eliminated. I guess their “reward” is more time in Russia?

Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Which of these teams is lucky enough to have the support of Bozo Nation? – BELGIUM. This squad is flying under the radar and has the skill to make a surprise run in this tourney. Many see Belgium as Germany’s little brother, but this is where they make their statement. This Belgian team has experience and won’t have to face much competition until the Round of 16 at the earliest. With Vegas setting the line at +1100, they’re a value bet in a tournament without any true, runaway favorite. So drive to your nearest Sports Authority Amazon.com and order a Belgian flag. You’ll end up framing that beautiful thing after they stun the world in large part due to the unwavering support from you, Bozo Nation.

P.S. France will probably win.

-BB