Bozo Fantasies for Christmas

While some would assume that every Sportsbozo would wish for a new makeup kit, floppy shoes and a red rubber nose, this Bozo is fantasizing about something much bigger. No, this does not involve a session with Dr. Ruth or Dr. Phil, even though that could be in the future for me as well. This is about the Fantasy Football league I am competing in and the importance of the games the next two weeks. I only joined fantasy football because of my son and assumed it was for football nerds and analytical idiots. I thought that real football fans do not play fantasy because the only thing that matters is WHO WINS THE GAME and Fantasy was a way guys who follow Soccer and “Real Madrid” could pretend to be involved in a real sport. I begrudgingly joined 5 years ago and it has become a weekly, if not daily struggle to not look at my players and agonize over starting Randall Cobb or Dede Westbrook? Russell Wilson or Jameis Winston?

Fantasy football has become an obsession to the point that they have basically made it a form of gambling with outfits like Draft kings and Fan Duel. While I am too cheap to gamble, there are significant bragging rights involved with your friends and family. The NFL was smart to embrace the fantasy league because, much to my surprise, I find myself watching a game I would have never considered viewing because I need 15 points from a tight end and kicker to win this week’s matchup! At football parties, grown men and teens are running from room to room to check on the game while checking their iphone to see if they got points for that reception or touchdown. I have to shamefully admit that I have even rooted for players opposing my J-E-T-S in order to make up 13 points in a close matchup. I am not proud of this and I have talked to my priest about it in the confessional and he consoled me and told me “Only and Idiot would start Latavius Murray against the Jets when Dalvin Cook gets most of the touches, you dumb ass fool” I shamefully walked out of the confessional and said 100 “Hail Mary’s” and agreed to fund the new recreation center at my church.

Tonight will decide the finals and both Bozo Sr. and Bozo Jr. are in the lead and need strong performances tonight in the Carolina vs. New Orleans game to advance to an epic two week showdown between father and son. Fantasy football in reality has become the single greatest marketing ploy since Apple convinced everyone you needed to use your phone to tell people on an app that you were feeling “Happy Today” or you were playing Farmville. It is an amazing phenomenon that has swept the nation the last ten years and it has made eyeballs watch more than just their favorite team. It’s actually made hardcore football guys embrace geeky apps on line to get analytical information on who to play, who to sit and who to drop all together. This Bozo has a 40 point lead going into tonight’s game but only has 1 player active while my opponent has 3 players. After that experience with my priest, I have become much more spiritual in nature and even took to my knees this afternoon to say a prayer to the big guy upstairs.

“I’m normally not a praying man, but Superman, if you can hear me; I need Alvin Kamara of the Saints to sprain an ankle in the 1st quarter tonight. We ask you grant my prayer through the Justice League…Amen”

I have to admit that I totally misjudged all the geeks and analytical people who played fantasy football all these years. I am all in on this ridiculous waste of time that has me researching players, injuries, rumors and waiver wires. I have been thoroughly converted and will take back some of the bad things I said about these geeks. Perhaps someday I may find this same sort of redemption when it comes to my opinion of soccer? …Wait …what? Superman just told me to STFU about soccer.

-BSB