Here comes the Bozos with the NFL WEEK 1 Matchups

What teams are ready for the season and which teams are not?

We already saw the unprepared Chicago Bears make a disaster out of their first game. Let’s see which coaches have their squads ready for their Sunday and Monday night openers.

Sunday Week 1:

VIKINGS (8-7-1) -4 over Falcons (7-9) Atlanta has a few questions on their offensive line and perennial overpaid and underachieving Matt Ryan again attempts to put up enough points to overcome a weak Falcons defense. RB Dalvin Cook is healthy and Devonta Freeman is a game breaker. Vikings were 4th in overall defense last year and QB Cousins should find success passing to Thielen and Diggs. Vikes 16-7 at home since 2016. Going all Purple here.

Redskins (7-9) +10 over EAGLES (9-7) Taking a chance the Reskins secret weapon RB Derrius Guice can control the game clock. Case Keenum makes his first start for the boys from DC. Carson Wentz and re-signed DeSean Jackson are dangerous. In a tough NFC East, we’re hoping for a tight battle until Philly pulls away late. Unlikely but we have to root against Philadelphia.

JETS (4-12) -3 over Bills (6-10) The J-E-T-S Jets finally have a bonafide runner in LeVeon Bell to complement 2nd year QB Sam Darnold. Both teams are expected to improve with tough as nails QB Josh Allen butting heads with Jet linebackers. The Jets at home are the pick, despite Adam Gase as Coach. Buffalo simply does not have enough offensive talent. Excited to see Bell in green. Is Fireman Ed wearing #26?

Ravens (10-6) -6 ½ over DOLPHINS (7-9) Baltimore finished 2018 on a 6-1 run to squeeze into the playoffs. Flacco’s gone. Lamar Jackson has no one looking over his shoulder anymore. Adding former Saints RB Mark Ingram will help Jackson more than expected. New Miami coach Brian Flores will face the tanking moniker clouding all Miami games. We can’t figure out why Josh Rosen is not starting over Ryan Fitzpatrick. Fins traded LT Tunsil and WR Stills to stock up for next year leaving too many question marks on the field this season. Baltimore has too much for Miami this year, laying less than a TD is a gift.

49ers (4-12) +1 over BUCCANEERS (5-11) SF with Slippin’ Jimmy and Greg Kittle vs. Famous Jameis. TB has not made the playoffs since 2007 and that will continue. SF acquired Dee Ford to complement Nick Bosa on defense. Garoppolo will start the new season on the road with a big W and QB whisperer Bruce Arians will be frustrated with Mr. Publix Seafood by halftime. SF easy, spread should be SF-4.

Chiefs (12-4) -3 ½ over JAGUARS (5-11) Patrick Mahomes vs. Nick Foles. KC is going to make a serious run at the Super Bowl while Jacksonville and Foles are going have some growing pains. Chiefs are loaded and are primed. Too much for the Jags too handle in Week 1.

BROWNS (7-8-1) – 5 ½ over Titans (9-7) Cleveland’s Baker Mayfield has more weapons (OBJ) and the Browns have finally enough talent to make a playoff run. Tennessee has two blah QBs and no offense. Their defense will keep them in games however on the road in the Dog Pound this week, Cleveland will be excited to make a point to their mutts that they are for real this season.

Rams (13-3) -1 ½ over PANTHERS (7-9) LA will be motivated after that Super Bowl debacle. Coach McVay and QB Goff have worked hard to erase the ugly memory. Cam Newton is a selfish egomaniac and routinely makes stupid decisions. This is too easy, the only talent Carolina has is the fireman, McCaffrey and the Rams are loaded on both sides of the ball.

Lions (6-10) -2 ½ over CARDINALS (3-13) AZ #1 Pick Kyler Murray will be welcomed to the NFL, good thing Arizona is playing the hapless Lions. Detroit is horrendous but Zona is worse. I won’t even watch the highlights of this fiasco.

SEAHAWKS (10-6) -9 ½ over Bengals (6-10) Cincinnati is throwing in the towel and Seattle actually thinks it has a shot at the big prize. I smell a shutout here. PU.

CHARGERS (12-4) -6 ½ over Colts (10-6) The Luck has run out for Indy. Sorry. The Lightning Bolts, despite playing Where’s Melvin? with their star RB are still a quality team. Colts QB Jacoby Brissett will qualify for the 32nd best QB in the league after this game. Powder Blue.

Giants (5-11) +7 ½ over COWBOYS (10-6) The Giants season begins with the NY press concocted QB controversy and Saquon’s ascent into NFL glory. This dude is going to be even better than last year. They smartly ordained him Captain and he is motivated, and he will have a big game, most likely as a receiver. Golden Taint is serving a four game suspension for trying to get his wife pregnant but Engram and both Shepherds will step up to make this a close contest. If, yes a BIG if, the Giants defense can keep Zeke contained with his limited carries, then Big Blue has a chance. The BOYS have a great line but we expect a close divisional battle.

Steelers (9-6-1) +6 over PATRIOTS (11-5) What don’t we know about New England vs. Pittsburgh, the actors may change but the characters are all playing the same roles, year after year? NBC, after Thursday’s monstrosity, has arranged with Goodell for a last minute FG victory. It’s a Sunday Night Party!

Monday night doubleheader:

Houston (11-5) +7 ½ over the SAINTS (13-3) Although we think the Saints are the team to beat this season in the NFC, laying over a TD in Game #1 vs. a very tough Houston defense is too much. New Orleans’ high powered offense will face off against JJ Watt and the Texans stingy defense. The Saints are out to avenge their undeserved loss to the Rams in the NFC Championship Game however the Texans have some weapons, namely Deandre Hopkins to counter offensive stalwarts Brees, Kamara and Thomas. This portends to be an exciting first week matchup.

Broncos (6-10) -1 over RAIDERS (4-12) The Joe Flacco era begins in Denver as Elway this year takes his chances with a proven veteran, albeit one on the other side of his career best. Denver still has a solid defense anchored by Pro Bowler Von Miller. Oakland has been thoroughly distracted by the Antonio Brown saga all week, He insulted and threatened the GM, Mike Mayock. Called him a cracker and told him he’d punch him in the face. He’s suspended. He apologized. He’s reinstated. Enough. This athletic freak but team cancer needs to go before it gets worse, which it undoubtedly will. OBJ is an angel compared to this numbskull. Jon Gruden is a good Coach, stuck in the middle and he and QB Derek Carr are trying to build something out of nothing. Now this. The Brown problem will intensify and take the focus off Josh Jacobs, the Raider rookie RB from Alabama. Meanwhile, Denver sports a 39-19 opening weekend record and have captured 7 openers in a row. There needed to be a big change in the Mile High City and stealing a win against a division rival on the road is a nice way to get started. This late west coast game could be a clunker. Hit the sack after the Saints game.

BOZOS BEST BETS:

49ers over TB
Seahawks over Bengals
Chiefs over Jaguars
Ravens over Dolphins
Rams over the Panthers
Browns over Titans

Good Luck!

-HB