What You Should Know About the COVID-19 Virtual 2020 NFL Draft

Following the Super Bowl and after a brief respite, the Bozos have risen from the depths of the sports void to weigh in on the 2020 NFL Draft. Originally slated to take place live from the Crazy Horse in Las Vegas to coincide with the Las Vegas Raiders inaugural season in Sin City, the draft will now be conducted Thursday night via Zoom with Commissioner Roger Goodell moderating from the basement of his Bronxville mansion. I guess Tom Hanks was unavailable. Make sure Cujo is restrained Roger.

The players expected to be drafted early have been sent a box of teleconferencing equipment so we can experience their live reactions from the dreadlock cam. Each team will have a video hub from where their selections will be made. Bumblevision! What could possibly go wrong? If it’s a disaster, we can simply blame the WHO, or maybe Just Keith Moon.

I’m sure the NFL has enlisted the Cybersecurity elite to manage and monitor the technical aspects. Therefore, we should not expect any lousy connections, failed passwords or Zoombombers to interfere. And no hackers would ever try to tap into Bill Belichick’s robobrain to decipher who he likes for the 23rd pick.

Will we see Tua’s marmot dash across the screen while he’s on his I-phone with the Dolphins brass? Does Jerry Jones stand up and reveal he isn’t wearing pants? Will Jon Gruden forget to unmute his line as he curses out the Jets for stealing Jerry Jeudy? Does Mekhi Becton’s Baby Mama remember to hide the background paraphernalia? Does Andy Reid get the pizza with the cheese stuffed in the crust?

The Draft

The video draft doesn’t really have any drama until the Detroit Lions make the third pick. The Cincinnati Bengals, with the first pick will certainly select the Heisman Trophy winner, LSU QB Joe Burrow. It’s a no-brainer as the Andy Dalton era is finally over and the Bungles get a fresh start with Burrow, who is the real deal. The team from Washington DC needs help everywhere and with the 2nd pick, will undoubtedly choose the monster edge rusher Chase Young from Ohio State to shore up their pitiful defense.

The Lions are slated to make another Buckeye, CB Jeff Okudah their #1 pick at 3 however rumors persist that they could trade down if the Chargers want to steal Tua Tagovailoa from the Fins. Miami picks one slot ahead of the team formerly from San Diego and both need a franchise QB. Phillip Rivers has moved on to Indianapolis and the Colts think he still has some gas left in the tank. We expect Detroit keep the pick to fill the gap created by the departure of Darius Slay and take Okudah to strengthen the league’s worst pass defense.

Giants GM Dave Gettleman has one more year to keep his job and has a few options as the Giants with the 4th pick could go offensive line or defensive linebacker to fill gaping hole in both areas. On one hand they need to protect second year QB Daniel Jones with a beast at tackle, like 320 lb. Tristan Wirfs, the farmboy from Iowa or the aforementioned Mekhi Becton, a 6’7” 370-pound monster from Louisville. Becton may have some positive drug test issues that the Giants may not want to deal with, true or not. Remember, testing is everything, Best bet is they take the defensive LB Isaiah Simmons from Clemson. Simmons could be a dominant LT type of pass rusher and the Giants gave up more yards in the second half of games last year than Lee at Gettysburg. As a Big Blue fan, I’ll be excited to see a bonafide talent like Simmons on defense whenever football returns.

Now for the fun. The Dolphins, supposedly “Tanking for Tua” all 2019, finally have their pick. The players, however, on Miami didn’t actually tank, they played hard while their best players were traded away to secure high 2020 draft picks. With Burrow gone as expected, Coach Brian Flores, has his franchise QB in his grasp at #5 with the Alabama star QB Tua. South Florida goes wild! Of course there are significant injury concerns but this is what the Dolphins need to break their streak of mediocre QBs since Dan Marino tickled his isotoner hands under center.

The Chargers, apparently content with taking the QB Miami decided against, select Oregon QB Justin Herbert #6. Herbert has all the qualities of a dominant NFL QB as he played under an NFL pro-style offense with the Ducks. The Chargers are in line for a resurgence in LA with a new stadium and an already talented offense. I foresee growing pains, a la Sam Darnold, but the upside potential Herbert brings is promising.

Tompa Bay Brady has the next pick and with #7 they will probably aim to protect TB-12 and his 43-year-old body with one of the huge offensive lineman discussed earlier, most likely the Iowa moose, Wirfs. Brady will have a bevy of receivers to throw to, the Bucs just have to protect him for 3 seconds.

As for the rest of the draft, whenever there is a trade or an unexpected selection, everything spins out of control, so there really is no point in trying to predict who takes who. The Patriots obviously need a QB to replace Brady, so they could try to move up from #23 to get Utah State QB, Jordan Love, or they could trade for Cam Newton. You just never know what the genius Belichick is going to do. He may even stick with Brady’s backup Jarrett Stidham, who had a decent college career at Auburn. The Jets and 49ers both need some help at receiver and Jerry Jeudy from Alabama and CeeDee Lamb from Oklahoma are viable options for both them and the Niners. Interestingly I don’t see any RBs going early or even at all in the first round as the NFL has a plethora of young backs in the league such as Joe Mixon, Christian McCaffrey, Dalvin Cook, Aaron Jones, Josh Jacobs, Saquon Barkley and last year’s playoff hero, Dereck Henry, the human battering ram.

So, after Thursday’s chores and couchercize, I’ll be tuning into another Zoom meeting to see if they can do any better moderating than Steve “Unmute yourself dammit” Sassone. With the technological and boomer limitations, this should be interesting and hopefully entertaining. The NFL is raising money to help people affected by COVID-19 as well. I guess I’ll take a break from Bar Rescue for a few hours this week!

Have a Corona!

-HB